I Said No Dont Ask Me Again

A reader responded to yesterday's mail service with this story:

…I was sitting around at 3am reading blogs when some guy knocked on my window, since mine was the only low-cal on in the street–he'd locked his keys in his car, and wanted to borrow my phone. Then when he couldn't reach the person he chosen, he wanted money for a cab ride to his mother's. Information technology was creepy, but he had puppy canis familiaris eyes and a plausible story, and I ended upwards walking to a nearby ATM and giving him the money. (Before I left, I gave a friend his total description and orders to raise hell if I didn't come back in a timely fashion.) So he asked if I wanted to assemble for drinks when he returned the money. I made an bad-mannered comment that I didn't beverage… simply I'm going to come up with something stronger if he comes back, because my desire to spend fourth dimension with a guy with boundary issues is pretty low. (Oh, and at present I'grand worried because he lives next door, and what if I have Aroused Guy living adjacent door and knowing where I alive and seeing my car every day…)

While information technology'due south not technically a question, I'd like to offer some suggestions for how to come up with something stronger to say if (when) he comes back, and how to deal with the possibility of Aroused Guy Living Next Door.

Starting time, I'm very glad yous are rubber, and I don't want to make you lot experience bad about doing a kind affair for someone, and yous are the best approximate of your own boundaries and rubber. Notwithstanding, since you use the words "creepy" and "boundary issues," I am going to be honest about several things that are red flags to me virtually this guy'southward behavior:

• Knocking on a strange woman'due south window at three am = sketchy.
• Story nearly keys locked in machine, no phone, person not picking upwardly, needing money and a ride to mom's = sketchy.
• Asking YOU OUT when you got dorsum from the ATM = sketchy.

I'thou not saying he's a predator, just I am comfy saying that a person with a decent agreement of boundaries does not knock on a strange woman's window in the middle of the nighttime with baroque requests.  A person who understands boundaries would be very conscious that he is making a baroque asking and that y'all would have legitimate reasons (existence sketched out, your own safety) for not helping him.  He would empathise that he is putting yous out and that you are taking serious risks to help him and do everything to minimize that feeling and respect your safe.

I have magical freak alluring powers.  I recall people can sense that I volition not be mean to them and will listen to at least part of their crazy stories.  I blame my Grandmother and the Catholic Church for didactics me as a child that Jesus would come back someday and he might test us past appearing in a very unappealing class.  What if we couldn't see through the surfaces of people to the Jesus beneath?  We might be damned for all fourth dimension for our failure to be kind to Scary Yelling Making Us Uncomfortable Shut Talking Jesus.

That's a lot for a vi twelvemonth one-time to conduct, and part of that educational activity has stayed with me till this twenty-four hour period. Then like you, commenter, I will give sketchy people a little more leeway than I should and then I find myself caught up in their strange alternate realities and having to milkshake myself gratis.  I want to believe that people are proficient and that I will be rewarded for respecting their inner Jesus.  This quality would probably assist me in making documentary film, since I present as friendly, nonjudgmental, and nonthreatening.  Sadly, I make fiction films. And sadly, sometimes people with lamentable stories play on our kindness and sympathies in order to take something from us.

I am glad yous are safety.  That could take gone a unlike way.  Y'all can't go back and undo it, so let's talk nearly the futurity.  I merely desire you to do that in the total realization that in that location is something sketchy about this guy – fifty-fifty if he didn't harm yous, even if there was a legit emergency or demand to get to his mom'south house.  I would not trust him or open my door to him one inch.

If you're lucky, yous volition never encounter this guy ever once more.  Just consider that money gone and forget all near it.

If you're unlucky, last night was the kickoff of a relationship that this guy thinks he has with you.  Afterward all, he has to pay you dorsum your money, right?  Don't listen him if he's paying attention to your comings and goings or feeling similar he tin can knock on your window any onetime time.  You're buddies at present!

I actually can't recommend The Gift of Fear enough to you. Gavin De Becker, the author, doesn't want you to experience afraid or be suspicious of everyone.  What he does desire is for you to trust your instincts – this is creepy, this is sketchy, I don't desire to do this or talk to this person – when you do experience agape, and he gives y'all a framework for identifying sketchy behavior and refusing to exist manipulated.  Some of the predatory behaviors he identifies may apply to final night'south unwanted guest:

• Forced Teaming. This is when a person tries to pretend that he has something in common with a person and that they are in the same predicament when that isn't really true.
• Charm and Niceness. This is being polite and friendly to a person in order to manipulate him or her.
• Too many details. If a person is lying they will add excessive details to make themselves sound more credible.
• Typecasting. An insult to get a person who would otherwise ignore one to talk to one. ("I bet you're also stuck up to ever talk to a guy similar me."This is a classic move of Option-Up Artists)
• Loan Sharking. Giving unsolicited help and expecting favors in return.
• The Unsolicited Hope. A hope to practise (or not do) something when no such promise is asked for; this normally means that such a hope volition be cleaved. For example: an unsolicited, "I promise I'll leave yous lone afterward this," usually means you will non be left lonely. Similarly, an unsolicited "I hope I won't injure you" usually ways the person intends to injure you.
• Discounting the Word "No". Refusing to have rejection.

Information technology's not just violent people who use these behaviors – these are all classic maniuplation tools, we've all probably used them and had them used on us in benign situations.  Call back about meetings you take with your boss when she says "Nosotros need to practise x, y, and z" when really that ways YOU will demand to do 10, y, and z. Forced teaming at piece of work.

Anyway, say this guy comes back.  He wants another favor.  He wants to employ your cell phone. He wants more money.  He wants to come into your house.  He wants you to hang out with him in exchange for him returning your money.

If y'all don't let him in or collaborate with him, it is very possible that he will get angry and offended.  Past helping him the other dark, you taught him that y'all are not a person who says "no" easily.  You've shown him that yous're willing to be manipulated – out of your house, into giving him coin – even when he's a stranger knocking on your window at night.  In the easily of a predator, that's powerful stuff.

Predators (I'll lump rapists, stalkers, dates who can't be cleaved up with and other unsavories under this term) carefully select and test their victims to wait for ones who have a hard time saying no.  People who tin't let go choose people who tin't say no.

Imagine y'all're at a party.  A guy offers yous a drink.  Yous say no.  He says "Come on, 1 drink!"  Yous say "no thank you."  Later, he brings you a soda.  "I know you said you didn't want a drink, but I was getting ane for myself and you looked thirsty."  For yous to turn down at this point makes you the asshole.  He'south only beingness nice, right? Predators use the social contract and our own adept hearts and fear of existence rude against us.  If you beverage the beverage, yous're teaching him that it just takes a little persistence on his part to overcome your "no."  If you say "Actually, I appreciate it, only no thank you" and put the drink downwards and walk away from information technology, you're the one who looks rude in that moment.  But the fact is, you lot didn't ask for the potable and y'all don't want the drink and you don't have to drink it but to brand some guy feel validated.

If you've ever been in an uncomfortable state of affairs with someone who smothers you and has a difficult time letting get, call back back to when you outset met.  Chances are there were behaviors like this – offering things yous don't want and so getting mad when you pass up the "favor," and non hearing you when you say "no."

And then yes, Angry Guy might become angry at you if y'all refuse to allow him in or collaborate with him.  And he might be quite manipulative in putting it all on yous – What's wrong with you?  He didn't hurt you the other nighttime, did he?  What kind of guy practise you think he is?  He's just trying to give you your money back/get to know you lot a little/return the favor.

It will sting.

It will put you in a position of apologizing to him.  "No, I didn't hateful that, I'thousand deplorable, I don't call back that about you."

He will make information technology hard for you lot to refuse him.

What you take to remember: Information technology'southward all smoke.  Remind yourself of the facts.  The fact is, he showed up uninvited offering something you don't want, so you said no.  No is a complete judgement, and one time you lot've said it, the other person simply needs to back the fuck off and go about his life.

This is right out of Gift of Fear:  "If you say 'no,' and the other person keeps talking, inquire yourself 'Why is this person trying to manipulate me?'"

At that place are lots of "something stronger" things you can do or say:

• Say nothing at all.  If he knocks on the window, just shake your caput no and go on with what you're doing.  Get into a different room, if necessary.  Practise not respond or interact. (This one is hard to pull off, easier if you take a friend in that location).
• "Delight don't drop by in the eye of the night.  It makes me very uncomfortable."
• "No, you lot can't come in."
• "I'm glad everything worked out. That was a one-fourth dimension favor for a stranger.  Delight don't ask me once again."
• "I don't want to take drinks with you."  This is a big 1 – an excuse similar "I don't beverage" is meant to let him down easy and save his feelings, merely that leaves him room to find out what you Exercise eat or drink and suggest that.  Manipulators look for any fissure they can discover – if he pushes this road you lot'll know it, he'll be all "But I idea we were going to have drinks" (acting like you lot agreed to it already). Be direct and honest.  "Thanks, but I don't want to.  You tin can slide an envelope under the door, or better yet, proceed it  and help out someone else who is in a jam someday."

If he pushes you – manipulates, whines, tells sob stories, calls you a bitch, intimidates – hold the line.  Don't become fatigued into a give-and-take with him. Every infinitesimal you spend interacting with him is ane more minute than y'all want to be interacting with him.

• "You are making me feel agape and uncomfortable.  Please leave immediately."
• "You are making me regret e'er helping you in the first place.  Please exit."
• "I've said 'leave' and 'no' several times now, so the fact that you are still here is very scary and threatening beliefs."
• "This conversation is over.  Please go out."

You do not accept to worry about the feelings of creepy people.  I do understand not wanting to escalate a state of affairs that might get tearing – you need to apply your ain judgment about that, and keeping a at-home, firm, polite tone will serve you well – simply you do not have to take an ongoing relationship with this dude. Fifty-fifty if he's your neighbor.  Fifty-fifty if he'southward angry.

Keep your cell phone on you and charged at all times.  Think about staying with a friend or having a friend stay with you on and off for a few days.  Stay safe!

I want to add ane more note for people who are in a can't-let-get state of affairs with a dating partner. Sometimes you accept to be direct and explicit in rejecting someone, no matter how awkward.  You lot say "I'1000 not fix for a relationship correct now."  They wonder "When will yous be set?  Because I'll exist there on that twenty-four hour period!"   They read any hesitation or ambiguity every bit favorable to themselves.  They try to depict you into explaining yourself, then y'all flail around, and they can tell you're flailing, and then they pounce – and yous detect yourself dating them for another 6 months.  Yous have to sack up and say:

"Whatever we've discussed or assumed earlier at present, I'k not interested in having a relationship with yous.  I'g sorry if that'southward bad news, I wish you well."

Then exit of there.  Don't talk over it.  As Gavin De Becker says, why would you discuss your romantic hopes and feelings with someone you don't want to be in a relationship with?  Don't render phone calls or emails.  Merely be done. They will eventually detach and notice someone else to latch onto.

I recollect it's criminal that nosotros don't socialize women to exist straight about expressing refusal, and I know what women risk when we practice express ourselves directly.  I'm distressing that it makes dating and interacting with men so fraught and disruptive – if nosotros could just say "not interested, thanks" and be respected and believed and not constantly worried virtually personal rubber and tearing blowback it would exist a better world.  I'thou including an old chat transcript from an online dating site to prove you how much certain men (tearing woman-hating assholes) practise non like hearing the word "no" from a woman.

(12:01:32 am)NAME REDACTED :evening hottie (I closed the chat window, it popped upward once again)

(12:01:56 am):Proper noun REDACTED ah she looks (I closed the chat window, it popped upward once again)

(12:02:00 am) Proper noun REDACTED :busy evening ? (I airtight the chat window, it popped upwardly again)

(12:02:17 am) Proper name REDACTED: wow wont even say hullo (I airtight the chat window, it popped upward again)

(12:02:twenty am)CaptainAwkward: I don't want to chat with you.

(12:02:35 am)CaptainAwkward: See how I go on endmost the chat window?

(12:02:35 am)CaptainAwkward: Goodnight.

(12:02:twoscore am) NAME REDACTED :bowwow

(12:02:49 am) NAME REDACTED :suck my balls

(12:02:58 am) Captain Bad-mannered:Take the hint dude

(12:03:xv am) NAME REDACTED:  i'thou going to fuck y'all in your ass and so your eye cunt

(12:03:29 am) Name REDACTED:captain cuntface

(12:03:58 am)CaptainAwkward:While that does audio amazing, I said I didn't desire to talk to you, then you called me a bitch.

(12:04:04 am)CaptainAwkward:That tells me you detest women and are undateable.

(12:04:08 am)CaptainAwkward:Become away and stop harrassing me.

(12:04:21 am) Proper name REDACTED: i meant cunt and I but hate your type

(12:04:27 am)CaptainAwkward:What's my type?

(12:04:32 am)CaptainAwkward:People who don't want to chat with you on the cyberspace?

(12:05:08 am) NAME REDACTED :so accident me then

(12:05:xiii am)CaptainAwkward: If you're wondering why no one will touch on your shriveled dick, this chat is why.

(12:05:28 am) NAME REDACTED :how intellectual you Arent

(12:05:44 am) Proper name REDACTED:  pardon i causeless you had a encephalon

(12:05:47 am)CaptainAwkward: Go masturbate into a lonely sock.

(12:06:14 am)CaptainAwkward: You get one second of rejection and it becomes all about how much you lot hate women.

(12:06:25 am)CaptainAwkward: I don't have to talk to y'all or similar you.

(12:06:33 am) Proper name REDACTED:bitch Ive talked to normal hetero women al nighttime

(12:06:46 am)CaptainAwkward:Whatsoever, I personally do not like you or find y'all interesting.

(12:07:08 am) Proper noun REDACTED:  youre just a serial dater.. noone likes you lot ,, u just eat for free and milkshake your hips and go home in the am  weep when you get raped

(12:07:16 am)NAME REDACTED :BLOW ME LOSER

(12:07:52 am)CaptainAwkward: If I were a serial dater I'd be interested in getting some of that sugariness money out of you, right?

(12:07:57 am)CaptainAwkward:Simply I said I wasn't interested immediately.

(12:08:03 am) NAME REDACTED: i know a cunt when i come up across i

(12:08:12 am) NAME REDACTED :your daddy didnt play woth y'all enuff

(12:08:13 am)CaptainAwkward:And I know a stalker rapist asshole when I run into i.

(12:08:21 am) NAME REDACTED: uh huh your daddy

(12:08:thirty am) NAME REDACTED:  he says squeamish things about you

(12:08:37 am) NAME REDACTED:  and your throat

And so I pressed the block button and reported him to the site administrator.  The finish!  Except it didn't piece of work correct away.

4 days afterwards:

(nine:15:14 am) Proper name REDACTED: hello cutie

And so yeah, that chat didn't make enough of an impression for him to even call up calling me a cunt and threatening to rape me, whereas I call back information technology YEARS later. Funny how things stick with yous!

Looking at his profile merely now (he's still looking for that "confident sexy lady"), I establish this:

The first things people normally notice about me

the gun in my pocket,
Stop… Im just glad to meet ya! LOL 🙂

HILARIOUS.  I totally trust that he doesn't have a gun, don't you?

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Source: https://captainawkward.com/2011/03/24/the-art-of-no-continued-saying-no-when-youve-already-said-yes/

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